Last updated: 03/10/21
We’re a tiny, overstretched business and we don’t have the time or energy to do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that we’re not evil – we’re as corruptible as anyone – we’re just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity.
We collect and store the info we need to provide you with the service you buy from us. We occasionally stalk you via Facebook or Google adverts. That’s really it.
Cookies
Seriously who actually cares? Do you even know what a cookie is or does? Well then. Yes we use cookies because that’s kinda how the Internet works. If you don’t want our delicious home-baked chocolate chip scripts, then you need to block cookies on your browser but don’t come crying to us when nothing does what it’s supposed to.
Stalky Visitor Tracking
Look, we’re following you, ok? We use Google Analytics, primarily to stare at the real time stats because they’re cool but also to see what stuff people are looking at so we can write more of the stuff you like.
It doesn’t store any super personal data about you but probably they nab your IP address, not that we’d know where to look for it or what to do with it. All we see is that a person or many people have interacted with the website in a particular way. You can mess with us by doing something totally unexpected on the website and skewing our stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time LIKE DRINKING COFFEE.
Data Storage
DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal fuck-tonne of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? Eesh. We store your data in a few different places and use it in a couple of different ways. You ready for this?
Here on this website! If you send us an email we will store your name and email address. If you buy stuff from us we will store your name, email address, postal address, phone number if you give it to us, and purchase history. Your payment details ARE NOT held on the site. We obviously go to the maximum effort to keep this data secure and only two people have access to it. Only one of them ever actually looks at it and that’s to solve any technical problems you might have. If you want to change, update or delete your financial-schminancials you need to speak to Square or PayPal, depending on how you paid for stuff.
We’ll be honest: we do absolutely nothing surprising or radical with your info. We use your purchase history to target you with ads for stuff you might like. For e.g. if you buy coffee, we’ll occasionally ask you if you want to buy more coffee. Does that make us EvilMegaCorp? Idk, it’s fairly standard isn’t it?
Your Payment Details
When you buy stuff, you will either pay through Square or PayPal. The only payment-based details we hold on our site is how much you’ve spent and whether you paid with Square or PayPal. We have no bank or card details or nada here. Everyone is GDPR compliant. If you want to change any financial details or have that data deleted, you need to speak to Square or PayPal. Ok cool.
Your Right To Be Deleted
FINE FUCK OFF THEN WE DON’T CARE. If you want to go undercover, just send us a support request and we’ll delete all the info we have on you from our systems while having a passive-aggressive huff about what we could have possibly done wrong.
This does not include PayPal and Square. If you want to delete your PayPal or Square accounts you have to do that yourself via PayPal or Square. We cannot delete your purchase history because the taxman will be terribly upset.
Social Media and all that Bollocks
We use social media a lot, partly to promote our free coffee giveaways but mostly as a vehicle for our procrastination, creative swearing and political opinions. If you chat to us, we’ll chat back at you. You can ask us to be less friendly if you wish and we will of course respect your boundaries.
You are not required to follow our social media accounts but they’re funny as all hell so you should.
We won’t ask our employees to temper themselves on social media in the service of us. If they turn out to be racist, bigoted dipshits then we wanna know so we can tell them to go to hell.
Got it? Read it? Done it? WELL FUCKING DONE YOU! Celebrate your achievement with a gold star.
With thanks to Writers’ HQ, our supreme writing commanders, glorious leaders and excellent but tiny overlords, who have verily granted us permission to use their splendid and sweary Privacy Policy.